Ya know, I'm utterly disappointed with myself. Heck, I'm despising myself right now. Remember how I mentioned a few entries back that I seem to slide into depression in the wee hours of the morning? I noticed another time when this happens: when I'm in the shower. Why? I think it is because these are the times when you are mostly alone, and there are few distractions and diversions to occupy you from the unpleasantries that you have been avoiding.

Yes, I'm loathing myself right now. I never thought it'll be down to this, but every night, I just feel that I'm getting more and more pathetic. Like things are not going well for me, but at the same time I've given up on myself and instead decided to pursue meaningless distractions to avoid. Avoid avoid avoid. Avoid is the keyword. I have been avoiding my woes and troubles like nobody's business. I have been totally irresponsible, and I have been procrastinating like nobody's business.

What happened to yesterday's me? I want my me back. I loved how I was last year. How I was motivated, optimistic, confident to a fault even, a hint of arrogance, the strong self-belief to the point of faulting the beliefs of others. This year? I'm pathetically on the opposite end of the spectrum. I procrastinate and put everything to the last minute. I have zero optismism left as I dread and fear matters that have been a sticking point so far. Everytime I walk to my car I look out to see if any of the windows are smashed. Everytime I check my email I dread seeing "Paypal" in it. Everytime I need to ask Jean something regarding a particular issue I put it until right before it happens before I ask her. Or actually just inform her. Because I just put off dealing with it. Everytime Zhizhong msns me I avoid and hem and haw and ponder over whether to respond because that's what I am, an irresponsible bastard who just has no balls to face up to reality and problems. Instead, I escape and hide and run and hope it does not have to be today.

What on earth has happened to me? Jean says it's an irrational fear of being stung too much, much like being stung by a bee. The unpleasant pain sticks with you, and you develop an innate fear of it. Or is it? Is that just an excuse? I don't know. And in fact, there are way too many things that I just don't know anymore. A year ago, I had a plan in life. I knew what I wanted. I knew where I was going, and how I was gonna get there. I knew what I wanted in a relationship (accordingly to Maureen). I knew what I wanted from my studies. I knew what I wanted from being in Australia.

Now? I don't know almost everything. The uncertainity is overpowering, and while that uncertainity has always been there, it is the loser me who has neglected to face it anymore. Take my studies for example. QMF has stuck out like a sore thumb, and while I can always use the convenient excuse that having done prior finance units would aid me greatly, the fact is skipping every lecture isn't gonna help matters. Yes, I thought that I could do well despite not going for lectures. But unlike the past, this impression is borne of folly: it is filled with doubt and foolish hope that my smarts could bail me out. It is not one from the assurance that you know what is required of you even before it is lectured upon, that you will be able to tacklet it with ease.

And what have I been squandering myself on? No one really cares if you go 20-2 with QoP in Dota, or if you win $8.60 aided by 2 zi mor's. Indeed, they make for great entertainment, but any victory you get is hollow: any achievement void. Because in all actuality they are but temporary distractions to prevent you from dwelling on that which matters.

I realized that I have forgotten all about Astaria. And that is astonishing, considering it took up a good 2 years or so of my life. Why have I forgotten it? Because it was 2 years of meaningless existence. Back then, I made up all kinds of excuses, but I never denied the fact that it was a great alternate reality, that it was an escape from my slacking ways and irresponsible character. That's why I said such distractions are hollow: you never care about them after you get over them.

It's much like a MTG duel. I'm playing my DrawGo deck of ages past, and I'm holding a nice hand of counterspells, which are solutions and answers to life's problems. At first, I nicely counter and force of will whatever life throws at me, even neatly force spiking a problem or two. Then, as I get cocky, I get complacent. And careless. I counter a Survival with life on two untapped lands with a Mana Leak, and life promptly pays for the 3 with his untapped BoP that I missed. Never mind, I drop a Nev disk next turn and then proceed to clear everything up, feeling smug. Then, life drops a Scragnoth, and I'm left cursing my stupidity. I hope and pray for another Nev disk that will bail me out, throwing Whispers when I get them and watch as the Scragnoth keeps pounding on me.

So where is my Nev disk? Where is that one trigger which, when it appears, will bail me out, and get me back to where I used to be? Being the lazy, unmotivated bastard that I am, I place my high hopes on such a panacea. Jean will tell me that God will be that One whom I can count on. I will not dispute that, in fact, I would agree with her. But, as I have so often seen in others and in myself, we all let God become an excuse, another distraction. We cite God's will for anything untoward that happens to us, and leave it as that. I know God has always been there for me even though I have not been there at His house. But I believe that God's will isn't always a blessing in disguise. Take studying in Australia for example. Has it been a blessing? Yes, it certainly has, as I am afforded an experience that will be both enriching and memorable. Was it a blessing in disguise, that is, was it something that appeared to be bad but turned out to actually be God's way of blessing? Absolutely not. I screwed up, plain and simple, and the saying "you reap what you sow" originates from the Bible. If I had done better and studied harder, I would not be here in Australia. I screwed up, and I reaped what I sowed. Was it God's plan? Maybe, or maybe not: who can really know what God's plan is, or how He even functions? But what I do know is this: you can always count on God to bless you no matter what you do, but you can't not do something and tell yourself that it is what God wants for you, because you really do reap what you sow.

How did I deviate? I don't know. I do know that I am feeling better. Back to my Nev disk. So where is my Nev disk? Maybe I don't need as badly as I think I do. Why? Because I wasted the first Nev disk when I should have kept it. It all boils down to me, as a person, to be able to cope and deal with obstacles. A diamond is shaped in the rough, yes that is true. But if the diamond's atomic structure was any different, it might have crumbled into pieces of graphite. Fact is, the diamond could choose to be a diamond, or it could choose to be carbon, or even graphite.

I should probably end here, but I hope that whatever I've typed out here will remain with me when I wake up. If not: pray for me.